I’ve had grand plans for myself, I’m not trying to brag but if I put my mind to something, the evidence suggests I do it. For example, I woke up craving a grilled cheese sandwich and guess what I had for dinner… a goddamn grilled cheese sandwich. Okay, so that might not be the greatest example. Let me try another… When I was eight years old, I was taken on a two week vacation to America with my mum and my grandma and grandad, the first place we went was Los Angeles. We visited the Farmers Market on 3rd and I apparently said, “I’m going to live here one day.” Cut to ten years later and this little boy from Middlesbrough was living in an apartment off 3rd street in Los Angeles, almost directly opposite from the Farmers Market. The following poem is about making such plans and them not working out.
DIDN’T PLAN TO LIVE THIS LONG
I’m trying to stand still
Feel like fainting
Determined free will
An unfinished painting
Hangs on a wall
Dust covered telephone
Don’t get many calls
It’s too loud on my own
I’m trying to listen
To the orioles song
Tired of the wind I piss in
Didn’t plan to live this long
Trying to ride waves
But the water is calm
They say Jesus saves
But he cut off my arm
Left me bloody and cold
No rebirth for my soul
Just my body growing old
In the midst of this black hole
Left without words trying to think
Where it all went wrong
When I started to sink
I didn’t plan to live this long
I’m trying to breathe
Need to count to three
After two I start to seethe
No-one will remember me
Watch the candle flicker
Till the light goes out
Sat in my chair made of wicker
What’s it all about?
As much as I will try
To keep myself strong
While I wonder why
I didn’t plan to live this long
Trying to stay awake
Don’t want to go to sleep
Where my dreams feel fake
Like my shallow thoughts are deep
Talking to a fortune teller
I want to play make-believe
Smells of vetiver and citronella
Reminded me of you so I tried to leave
I’m really trying to hear
The sweet orioles song
Make the fuzzy static clear
Didn’t plan to live this long
